Where To Stand
by serpensortia1
Summary: Two friends meet, both feeling the strains of war from friends and enemies; neither suspecting what was to happen shortly afterwards. (PG-13 for swearing.)


_Disclaimer: It's not mine. Sorry to break any delusions. _

**Where To Stand**

It had been a relatively pleasant day, if it wasn't for the bitter winds that whipped up the autumn leaves into a frenzy. At least it was a break from the drizzling rain that had seemingly lasted for the whole week without ever really raining, but it was cold enough for muggles and wizards alike to start fishing their scarves and gloves out prematurely. It was with this weather, that Remus Lupin had patiently waited outside the Potter's small, old house for almost five minutes, huddled up against the door whilst they carefully took down a few layers of magic to allow him in. 

Godric's Hollow itself was hidden from the view of most muggles, shrouded by the trees of the wood next to it, but still near a quiet village; something that Lily had requested as she still liked to have ties to the Muggle community. It looked weather beaten and bleak on the outside, but inside the fires burnt intensely making the rooms soft, warm and very homely. It was shame, therefore, that the conversation inside lacked this cozy familiar feeling. 

Sunk deep into the plush sofa on one side of the room, Remus sat - too far sunk into there really for his liking, with a one year old Harry lying in his basket, looking angelic and…spoilt really. Though not a fat child, his cheeks had a certain chubbiness to them that hinted at how much his parents doted over him. Opposite, in an equally soft living room chair, was the parent in question - James Potter, who looked as cheerful as ever; only the way he kept wringing his hands from nerves gave away his true state. Lily was apparently getting a good sleep, something that everyone in the wizarding world could probably have done with as well. 

Conversation had rested for a good ten minutes on pleasantries - how are you? Hasn't the weather been awful? Isn't Harry getting awfully big? It had skirted briefly around the subject of the most recent deaths (the McKinnons, a well known family if there ever was one), but hardly touched it due to a blatant change of topic on James's behalf. Which just about figured as far as Remus was concerned. 

They'd now reached the point however that conversation had grown weak, and a little ugly with its silences. For Remus, the silences were being used to control an anger that was slowly slipping away from him the more he spoke. James however, kept opening his mouth to say something, only to snap it shut when he realised that he either didn't want to talk about that himself or that it would be inappropriate to mention such things to Remus. 

"So, what are you doing on Halloween?" The question was awkward, out of place. 

He managed an amused smile at this. Halloween this year was condemned to be nothing like the happy feasts and laughter that usually came from Hogwarts when he was a child. Even when his affliction had affected the date, it was bound to be a happier occasion that Halloween night this time round. "I suspect I'll be finding a small solid shed for the night."

There was a pause. "Oh yeah, full moon…I completely forgot, what with everything." Remus nodded his head. It was indeed a full moon, and yet another cause for concern…especially seeing as his last three hiding places were found before he could apparate back home. Oh he knew exactly what James meant about 'everything'. "What happened to that building we found last year? Why can't you use that?"

An innocent enough question that made the other even more unsettled. He was hoping that it wouldn't come up. 

"Because…it's simply not safe. Last time I was there, I ended up playing a game with a group of Death Eaters. Apparently they would love to have another werewolf so close to the Potters in their ranks." He tried to hide the twinge of bitterness that mingled into his words. They wouldn't have got much out of him, even if he had given in to them; he hardly felt close to the Potters anymore. The whole conversation was testament to that. It was tense…it was simply stunted by the lack of trust and lack of…Remus didn't even know how he felt about James anymore. He felt James was having the same thoughts. 

At least he knew where he stood with Sirius and Peter. 

Sirius thought he was a traitor. Peter thought everyone was going insane and that they should all stop blaming one another. Peter told him that he secretly thought that Sirius was being a prat over the whole thing and that he must have been blind to suspect him. Sirius had rather stopped talking to Remus, deciding that he should pass no information onto the opposing side. But James…James seemed torn down the middle. Sirius was his best friend, his advisor, his prankster sidekick; to not listen to what Sirius was telling him seemed mental. But at the same time…this was _Remus_ he was talking about, and he knew that 'Moony' was so sensitive about what he was and so guilty over betraying Dumbledore's trust in the past…he couldn't turn a spy. A traitor. But still he…no. He wasn't going there. Why on earth would any of his friends do that to them anyway? 

James practically watched another one of those silences pass, as the other man just starred blankly into the fire, trying not the show anything on the surface, until his darker haired associate spoke up again. "They, well you didn't, I mean…"He seemed to stop himself asking the question that was desperate to get out. "They didn't hurt you too much did they?" It was a poor cover to say the least. 

Remus decided to not tell his friend that for over two hours he was subjected to bouts of searing hot pain that left him in agony for over a week. Don't make anyone worry, don't make James of all people angry over anything…it was the easy way. "I'm fine. But I still would rather not meet them when I'm dangerous and weak anymore." 

"You're not dangerous…" 

Of course, the easy way often was the way that made an ire rise in his chest. The easy way avoided giving James the reality check that he desperately needed. He wasn't stupid, neither of them were; but James chose to act that way, showing an increasing sense of naivety in him that everyone who worshipped him at school would have been surprised to see. A naivety that was in abundance that afternoon. 

"You know as well as I do that's not true. I'm high risk, I don't even know what I'm doing here tonight. You have a child James. You should be protecting him, not having guilt trips and inviting me over." 

There. He'd said it, the brunt of what was bothering him about this whole trip. James, Lily and Harry were on Voldemort's most wanted list and there they were inviting a_ werewolf _ over for tea and biscuits because of some stupid feeling such as guilt, at least that's what he presumed it was. So they hadn't contacted him for over two months. Remus didn't care as long as he heard that they were alive and well. 

Yes, he had felt lonely over that time and had felt more than a twitch of despair gain on him, but he was used to it. Peter had gone out of his way to simply say hello when he discovered that Remus hadn't seen James or Sirius for quite some time, that kept him level for sure. But it was for the others own safety that they kept a good distance from him. He only had to look at James once now to realise that in less than fifteen minutes he had hurt somebody. 

He stared at the face of James Potter. It was mixed, blinding hurt shone out most from it, but he had angry red cheeks, reddened even more by the glowing fire, that were clearly doing some battle with something inside of him. Remus was pretty sure that he was trying his hardest to ignore what he'd just said. James has always been an idealist, with his head up in the clouds. If there was discord in the group, he simply carried on as if nothing had happened; and while eventually things would get themselves sorted out, James's constant rosy vision always managed to add to the problems. 

Both men stood perfectly still for a moment, having risen from their seats after Remus's last statement. 

And it was Remus's worn voice that spoke next too. "Perhaps I should be going. Bye bye Harry." He smiled fondly at the little boy curled up in the basket. Lily's trusting eyes that Harry had inherited surveyed him; seemingly taking every part of him in. 

"Lupy…" said Harry, taking Remus by surprise by even knowing who he was. But it wasn't as if Harry had called him Padfoot or Wormtail like Peter himself had told him the child was known to do. It wasn't a personal name for him, it wasn't Moony to fit in with the others, it felt like more of a statement. After all, Harry wouldn't have been taught to say Moony. 

"Yes, that's correct. Off my trolley huh?" The one year old child cracked one of the biggest smiles at him. Remus had almost forgotten what such a thing looked like. He rarely saw such happy smiles - everyone's face was tainted by war. "You make sure your father doesn't go the same way ok?"

Harry's smile faded off his chubby face. Remus took this as his cue to go.

"Remus, wait!" He kept walking towards the door. "Moony!" That one word however, seemed to have the power to hold him in his place. 

Just one simple word reminded him of all of his times at Hogwarts. The times when…well, everything hadn't been perfect, but to him - it might as well as been. When they'd been at school everything had been oh so simple; rules were laid out (often broken, but some were made for doing just that), his enemies had only been able to cast jelly legs on him at best and his friends were his friends. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Nicknames that in the real world weren't acceptable; they weren't adult enough. What's more…nobody could truly say that they knew the other so well to be on nickname terms with them. In this war, there was no room to let all of your secrets out to anyone and trusting anyone? A definite no go area. 

He didn't turn round to look at James's irate face, preferring to focus his attention on the most uninteresting stand at the end of the hallway. This didn't seem to matter to James though, as he carried on regardless. 

"Look, I'm sorry alright? I'm sorry that I've screwed everything up here OK? But it's not as if I asked Voldemort to come after me is it? Have you ever seen a giant flag on our house saying 'come and get me if you dare'?!"

The words obviously didn't impact quite as hard as James had wished, as Remus started his pathway towards the door once more, before turning as he reached the stand. 

"No. But someone else might have seen me enter, which is as good as." He picked up his cloak and tossed it over his shoulders. He wasn't angry as such, just frustrated at James for inviting him…even more frustrated at himself for eventually accepting the offer. He sighed, "James, like it or not as far as any death eater is concerned every time any one of us do something - against them or otherwise - we are asking them to come after us. You don't need friendships right now, you need to face the facts. Take care of yourself, and forget about me till later." 

James' face looked almost disgusted for a while, hell he was disgusted for a moment. The clipped words weren't what he wanted to hear, he had wanted Remus to soften the shell he'd surrounded himself in. Perhaps if he'd been thinking a little clearer, he would have remembered that harsh words only make Remus run away more, but he was annoyed. After everything they'd done together, there was still resistance in the tawny haired man that screamed in the undertone of his voice that he didn't trust them. He didn't trust him. And that _hurt_, dammit. 

He stood in the hallway, clenching and unclenching his fists, hazel eyes flashing behind his glasses, as if the next time he opened his hands, something would magically appear. "_I_ need friendships right now…Remus, you're your own worst enemy, you know that?"

Remus was about to leave, but the suppressed tone to James' words held him to the spot. He couldn't help but feel that he was being more than a little hypocritical, if he hadn't buried himself in the sand and just faced things properly then his temper wouldn't have had a need to rise. James carried on.

"I have spent the last two months, trying as hard as I can to ignore Sirius, but you make it so bloody hard to ignore him when you do this! You won't tell us anything, I mean, why didn't you tell us that you had Death Eaters at your door? And what's more, why won't you tell me what they did to you? Sirius thinks you're a traitor, and when you come round here and practically tell me to piss off –" He stopped to catch his breath a little, " – it's not hard to see why."

Sirius came up with damn good reasons too, all of them fitting into place right about now, James thought idly. 

"Why would I tell someone who already thought me a traitor, that I entertained Death Eaters most weekends?" His voice remained it usual calm self, although James was certain that it held the air of formality about it. There was nothing all too friendly about the man who he had once become an animagus for right now. 

"We could have helped you out." 

"And got yourselves killed. Gods James…understand this please. I don't care if you or Sirius or anyone else thinks that I'm passing on information, but –"

"You're doing it again!" James's hands flew out from his sides in exasperation as he almost spat the words out. "If you don't care what we think, then how are we ever supposed to believe that you care at all! If you're a Death Eater then just say and stop with the cryptic crap!" 

Now that had touched on a nerve for both of them, as silence enveloped the two again. It had been something that James had overheard Peter saying to Sirius…'He doesn't show who's side he supports like you do'. That had hit James hard at the time - everyone knew that Sirius Black and James Potter were right in there with Dumbledore, standing tall for everything good. It was understandable that Peter wouldn't, as he still had his job at the ministry and wasn't quite in the thick of the war as the others were. But Remus did just as much work for the Hogwarts headmaster as he did, but yet…he'd never made a fuss. Sirius called it suspicious to say the least. 

"You do realise that if I was working for Lord Voldemort, I'd be a fool to just tell you like that? As it happens though, I'm not. Now as I was saying…" Remus took a deep breath and slumped up against the wall nearest the door, taking a one of Lily's garnet shaded cloaks down with him. He always felt more irritable and weary near the full moon, and an argument had certainly taken it out of him. "I don't like being the one who has to burst your bubble, but the reality is that you are in danger and I am a danger to you. Do you remember what I'm like the day after a transformation?"

There was a shaky nod of the head, and the usually messy hair fell even more out of place over James's brow. Course he remembered, he'd never forget the first time he'd seen his friend looking like he'd been mauled by a dragon. It was even worse when you found out that he'd done it himself, no-one can get rid of those sort of memories. 

"You, Peter and Sirius always picked that moment to ask me questions like 'Who do you fancy?' and 'Can I copy your transfiguration homework?', questions that you knew I would normally never answer or give you permission to do, because you knew I was weak then. Well so does Voldemort and he also has the same advantage. If I know anything about your plans or movements, then I fear I will be just as easy to walk over now as I was then."

"But you're not a pushover Remus!"

A barest growl of anger was emitted from his mouth. "Will you please stop denying the truth! Oh, I'm pretty sure I can hold them off after a transformation, but add the cruciatus curse and a full body bind to that and you may as well be dead!"

The words rang in James's mind. An unforgivable curse, he'd been lucky enough to only see the after effects of them, somehow keeping out of danger… It was wrong. Nobody should have to be subjected to it, friend or not. It wasn't called unforgivable for nothing after all. 

"They…they, put that on you? But it's illegal!"

Remus held his head in his hands, slumping even further down the wall, right to the floor. He wanted to cry, he wanted to rip James's brain out and make him comprehend. For someone who was so clever, he was so oblivious at times… "That's not the point to them and it never will be." He looked into his friends eyes. "They'd do worse to you if they had the chance. They do worse to Sirius if they had the chance. I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a dark creature who belongs on their side."

A shadow passed over James's face. He understood. He'd always understood really, but facing up to something like that…it was much, much easier to keep cheerful. In fact, everyone else seemed pleased to see someone to brighten their day with good news about how Harry was saying first words, rather than how with every extra word the boy muttered Voldemort took two lives. But not Remus. Remus had always insisted that he kept his feet firmly on the ground, even at school. He'd always been the one to moderate any elaborate plans they'd had in mind for Filch or anyone else. Peter dreamed them up with James, Remus downsized and made them feasible and Sirius put them into action. 

After two months of never even hearing from him…well, James could only presume that he'd maybe gone to far right now, he'd let his mind wonder to far into oblivion. 

Moony was right. 

_'You do realise that if I was working for Lord Voldemort, I'd be a fool to just tell you like that?' _

_'I'm a dark creature who belongs on their side.'_

His gut clenched. All of Sirius' talks, _rants_ even, on how he was sure that sweet, shy and quiet Lupin was probably "the one" came back to him unbidden. Moony was right, but Moony still seemed to know a hell of a lot about his situation. In fact, Remus had seemed almost guilty from the start of the whole conversation. 

He had to know if something bad had already happened. He had to ask the first thing that had come into his head the moment he heard that Remus had been…visited. 

"Have you ever told them…anything?" He whispered, half of him praying that the words hadn't come out of his mouth, the other half knowing that he'd only regret it if he didn't ask. But it didn't stop the lead feeling, pulling at his stomach, making him feel like he'd sunk as low as he'd ever get. 

Remus pulled himself up from his position near the old wooden door, adjusting his fraying cloak accordingly, and hanging Lily's back in its proper place. He snaked a hand out, and lifted James's chin up, making his gaze meet his for a single moment. "I've told them lots of things, most were lies. I do however admit to telling them that I found their visits most annoying." He watched as he could see his own slight smile reflecting in James's glasses. However out of place it felt, it was just a sign to James that he had meant the whole visit in good nature, that he hadn't meant for it to turn into a blazing row. 

"I bet you do." Even James, honestly felt slightly amused at that moment. What was the old saying? If you don't laugh, then you'll cry. It certainly fitted how he felt just about then. 

"I really should be going though, as you're now aware, I have to make sure I'm stocked up on tea and fondant fancies for my guests."

"Poison them all for me. Fill them with venom, I always heard they liked snake by-products." 

It was almost like they were back at school for a moment…almost like they were Moony and Prongs again having a spat over the latest prank; one wants to replace all of the Slytherin's shampoo with bleach, and the other pointing out that this task was pointless, because everyone knew that Slytherins never washed. Of course, this time however there was much more at stake than house points and the Slytherins had in many cases, literally turned into death eaters. 

"Take care of yourselves James." The words were suddenly solemn again, and despite that niggling doubt that still hid in the back of his head, James agreed with his friend's wise words. It didn't matter who said them, he _was_ going to take care of everyone - his whole family.

"This evening…we're casting a fidelious charm. Sirius –" He blurted the words out, only just really deciding to let on what was going on, but he was stopped short of the whole truth. 

"Sirius will do a brilliant job - I won't be seeing you for a while even if I wanted to. I'll make sure Peter keeps me up to date on anything important."

James stood stiffly, looking at the ground. He was going to tell Remus the truth, he really was…but perhaps it would be better to just tell him that Sirius was going to cast the charm. Telling the truth would have made Remus feel even more out of the circle anyway, like they didn't trust him. James batted the voice in his head away that cried _'you don't!'_. He was used to ignoring things, and he could do the same now. Besides, perhaps if the Death Eaters returned to Remus and actually forced him to tell them something…well he'd tell them that Sirius was performing the charm, and Sirius was much better at taking care of himself than Peter was… 

Oh god…he couldn't believe he'd actually got to the point of wishing that his friends were attacked. 

"Mr Prongs advises Mr Moony to give those bastards hell." He whispered, only just noticing the flecks of grey mingled in with Remus's tawny hair. When did that happen? 

"Mr Moony thanks Mr Prongs for his wise words; he will be taking them into account. He also hopes that Mr Prongs will take his own advice if the time ever comes." 

Remus un-did the latch on the door, and motioned for James to take down the rest of barriers that surrounded the house. The winds bit at both of them, just as hard as they had when Remus had entered. He pulled his cloak around him tighter, felt for his wand in his front pocket, before turning back to James, with a stern look on his face - he hoped it got his point across, he really didn't want to imagine the consequences if he hadn't. 

And with that, it seemed he had gone. James clasped his hands together for warmth, feeling utterly drained from the encounter and trying to get rid of the ringing in his ears of Sirius's voice lecturing him for even seeing Remus - a lecture he was going to receive in forty minutes time when he and Peter arrived. He sank down next to Harry on the sofa, taking in as much comfort as he could from the fire. In forty minutes, this nightmare of his would be over. 

Little did he know, that that's where it would begin. 

*** 

[Edited 16/02/03 : Minor spelling and grammar check] 


End file.
